Epiphany

“There is a reason for everything.”

This is the common line told by comforting friends and family members when something bad happens to you. This was what my friends told me as I was breaking down in front of the list of the Top 20 of the batch, the list held sacred by those driven towards academic excellence.

What is an epiphany? The dictionary defines it as a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

There are a few instances in a person’s life in which they could say that they truly felt God’s presence. I can confidently say I have, and I can remember that experience clearly in my mind.

Last January 23, the School of the Holy Spirit of Quezon City was the venue of a YFC Youth Camp entitled ASTIG: “Ang Sarap Talagang Ibigin si God”. To those unfamiliar with the group, YFC (Youth for Christ) is a Catholic youth organization Their aim is to provide means of renewing young adults and a venue where they can respond to God`s call to holiness through various activities such as praise fests, outreach and talks.

Those who wish to be members of YFC must attend a two-day camp. The camp that I participated in was especially for Holy Spirit students such as myself. The camp consisted of five talks conducted by YFC members, which the participants must complete in order to become full-fledged members of the organization.

The excitement in the air that afternoon could not be more distinct. Despite of it, I could not get over the cloud of despair that hung over me. I just found out that my name was not on the list of top 20 students in the batch. This might be a trivial matter for some, but it came as quite a blow for me. Excelling in my academics has always been my constant drive. Failing to make it in the Top 20 was like losing a part of me. I let my parents down but most of all I let myself down.

It was hard for me to think of anything else, but with effort, I pushed my worries aside. I knew how hard the organizers worked to make the camp a success, seeing that my close friend was the head of the entire event. In the weeks preceding the camp itself, she had been working hard—sending letters to various people for approval, and organizing the service team and the people who will support the camp. As the camp date approached, Denise became more apprehensive about the camp’s turn- out and more importantly, the camp’s success.

In contrast with Denise’s worries, many people turned up for the camp, participants and supporters alike. The night’s activities consisted of group sharings and games with our fellow participants and of course, the first two talks. The first talk was about God’s love and His plans for us. The second was about who Jesus Christ was for us. With that, the first day concluded.

The next day began with the third talk, which was about repentance, faith, healing and forgiveness. All of my worries about my own failures were wiped from my mind as I heard what the speaker had to say. She shared about her own life, about her search for comfort and love, about the mistakes she made, about how she lost her virginity to her boyfriend and about how he left her afterwards. “The first time I shared this was in front of hundreds of people at Miriam’s youth camp,” she told everyone.

Those around me mirrored the look of surprise and disbelief that I wore on my face. I knew that things like that happened, but her revelation made it seem more realistic. My troubles seemed trivial after what she shared.

Then, she took a plastic cup filled with water. “This is how we were born into the world: pure. Slowly, we become tainted by temptation and sin…” she said. She then poured juice into cup and slowly, the clear water became orange.

“…but God’s love is overflowing.”

Many people tried to get this point across to me for years, but it did not make as much sense as it did as I sat there and as I watched her pour more water into the cup until it overflowed. Slowly, the water became clear again.

During the confession that followed afterwards, I was paired with an Australian priest named Father Bryan. An idea had occurred to me and I asked him the question that had been bothering me since the release of the entrance examination results. “Where should I go to college?”

“You should go where you think you would grow as a person,” he had told me, and we talked about my choices. Afterward, I knew which college I wanted to go to. I knew I wanted to be an Atenean.

The most important event of the camp and highlight of the day occurred during the fourth talk, which was about receiving the Holy Spirit. There was an air of anticipation around us. Most of us felt that some rite of passage would occur during the baptism, where we would finally become members of YFC.

Some people were possessed during the baptism, or so rumor has it. We could hear the support team’s prayers and songs in the distance, repelling unknown evils that would try to disrupt the ceremony.

We sat in rows and columns and we were asked to close our eyes. We were asked these questions: “Are you ready to follow God? Are you ready to give your life to God? Are you ready to give everything to God? If so, then stand up.” For a moment, there was silence. The question continued to ring in my ears. The seconds passed by slowly as I contemplated on my answer. I was unsure if I was ready to surrender everything; I was unsure if I was worthy.

I willed myself to stand. Uncertainty filled my heart but I convinced myself I was ready. The sound of chairs sliding against concrete filled the air as other people stood up, in twos and in threes. We were asked to sit down, and once again we were asked the same questions. This time I did not feel as hesitant about my answer. I quickly stood up, and so did others around me. Repeatedly, we were asked the same questions. Eventually, doubt was wiped away from my mind and I became certain of my answer.

During the fifth talk, various veteran YFC members talked about their experiences in YFC. During the worship that followed, I was shouting to the heavens and singing like I had never sung before. The fact that my parents left as suddenly as they had come and did not stay for the blessing, or the fact that they could not understand how wonderful I felt after the baptism did not dampen my spirits. Nothing could have ruined that day for me.

I could say the most remarkable experience I had during that camp was the baptism. In the same way that my baptism when I was a child symbolized my purification, my entrance into the Christian community, and my beginning in the Christian world the baptism in the camp represented my entrance into the YFC community; it became my new beginning.

Something snapped within in me during that baptism. I felt the desire for control leave me and I broke into tears. I found myself recounting my life at that very moment, thanking God for every blessing and obstacle he thrust upon me. I prayed nonstop as the tears continued to flow. It did not make a difference that there were many people there. The only thing that seemed real at that moment was God. Warmth enveloped me, and sense seemed to dawn upon me for the first time in my life.

The stresses of school and of life left me. For the first time in such a long time, I felt at peace. I began to see the world at a completely new perspective. The problems I faced at school and at home did not seem so big a deal. Being removed from the top 20 did not seem that bad; in fact, I felt that a burden was lifted from my chest. For a moment, I was free from my responsibilities. I felt God’s presence, His arms around me in embrace, and His voice assuring and comforting me.

If one event could change a person’s life, if one event could serve as the turning point towards a better future and if one event could better define me as a person, this would be it. This would be my Epiphany.